Cart: Bioshock Cab: Xbox 360 / PS3 / PC / Mac Coin: Irrational Games
“A beautiful, brutal, and disquieting computer game – one of the best in years”…”I never once thought anyone would be able to create an engaging and entertaining video game around the fiction and philosophy of Ayn Rand, but that is essentially what 2K Games has done”…”the rare, mature video game that succeeds in making you think while you play”…”intelligent, gorgeous, occasionally frightening”…”an inconceivably great plot”…”anchored by its provocative, morality-based story line, sumptuous art direction and superb voice acting, BioShock can also hold its head high among the best games ever made”.
Yes, yes, that’s all well and good – all this hyperbole about morality and consequence, existentialism and social-engineering but strip all of that away and what exactly are you left with?
Clunky and horribly dated shooting mechanics; insta-spawn vita-chambers that restore you whilst leaving your enemies at reduced health resulting in a boring slog-grind-fest and zero real challenge; repetitive and claustrophobic level design with an art-deco splendour that wears off within the first hour; a game-engine that’s incapable of doing good shadows employed to realise a world simply full of shadows; a morality system that boiled down to little more than a puerile A/B black-and-white choice; painfully weak Doom-esque shoot-and-back-peddle AI with silly jumpy-bouncy splicers; awful audio-cassettes used as narrative padding instead of a fully realised script; nothing but treading water (forgive the pun) for the final act after the ‘big reveal’ and, perhaps worst of all, a completely borked and ironically immoral PS3 port.
Oh – and an ability that lets you shoot bees from your arms? Erm, would you kindly explain to me exactly how that works – perhaps through the medium of song?